[OOC NOTE: I thought I might start doing a diary after seeing Lindor's and others posted here. I don't expect to keep it updated too often, but I thought it might be interesting for people who want to get a better understanding of the character. Maybe once a month or after enough "big" things happen IC? I dunno. This was ICly written right after a little storyline.]
Dear Diary.
... nah, that's way too clichéd for me. I don't even know what I'm doing writing this. Or that. I've never written a journal or diary before, not in the usual sense. Notes and reminders, sure, but not a proper catalogue of events, thoughts and feelings. I highly doubt I'll keep updating this but, at least right now it seems prudent to write at least something down, and if I disguise it as a diary of some kind then it might cause me to keep doing it. I got the idea from Lindor... Tindomerel I think the last name was? I never was good with names. Turns out she had many diaries to help her through difficult times. I mean, I don't think I'm in a difficult time or anything but my head's a mess and perhaps writing it out will help? Am I rambling? Can you even ramble when you're writing? The ink in the pot's getting real low so I guess you can ramble while writing. I should probably get to the point.
I fucked up. I messed things up so bad I don't think anything can be the same ever again. After getting the idea for a journal or whatever, I felt it best to write everything down while it's still fresh in my memory. So... well, here goes. I'm back in Nanthalion after weeks of... torture basically. I was brought back to the Healing House and tended to by two of the most powerful Healers the Empire has to offer, and both that I know well enough to consider friend, Allivia and Lindor. I'm at Abby's cabin right now, and couldn't sleep. Ravey (my raven familiar, who's named Ra-Vethine thanks to a certain fae), is keeping watch for me, making sure Abby, or especially Airy doesn't disturb me. I love that redhead human and silvery little fae but I'd rather not be disturbed writing this. I'm recently back after being rescued, I was so angry. I was so hurt. Maybe I'll start at the beginning.
Wintergrove was razed to the ground a few weeks ago. It was a small Catfolk village near the border, cut into a forest to act as a natural wall against the elements with wide farms nearby, I think that's how it made a profit, selling excess grain and stuff. That's not what's important, what's important was that it's my home... was my home. It's where me and my 6 sisters and brother grew up. Tamil was taken away from us early on, Catmen are precious rarities for catfolk, he was taken away by the village Elders to be taught the ways of the world from a privelaged position. If the men aren't given a better chance at survival, we as a race struggle to survive or so I was told. Either way, it was just my sisters and mother for such a long time, and eventually I left to explore. I wanted to get away from all the arguments, all the fighting over money and food. So I left. I left them a note and I never heard from them for years since. The last thing I ever said to any of them was "fine just take it" to my older sister Katie, arguing over food again. I had been planning to leave for a while anyway, but still... that was the last words I ever said to any of my family. And now they're gone. Wintergrove was razed to the ground by bandit slavers. They had stormed the town and captured as many of the villagers as they could, and destroyed everything else, probably a show of force. "Might Makes Right" afterall.
I found out because every 6 months, I got a letter from home. My youngest sister Emerlidy found out where I was and sent me by fae mail a letter and a copy of a journalist's paper so I could be kept up to date. I missed them all, and I think the feeling was mutual, but it was too late to go back to them. Money was tight enough, jobs were scarce and the in-fighting was still there. Still, it was nice to be kept in the loop, and then a few weeks ago I didn't get the letter, just the copy of "The Curious Cat", which said how Wintergrove was obliterated and I snapped. I don't know what came over me, I just snapped. I lashed out at Abby, Airy, Allivia and Callie in... very nasty hurtful ways. I didn't know how to react, I was so upset at hearing my family taken by slavers, and slavery is just something I can't abide by, how CAN I condone owning another? It's meant nothing but bad things for us catgirls, we're hornier than other races and not as strong, why should that mean we're to have our personal freedom taken away? I hate how we're the sex-pets of the empire, that's all slavery is right? An excuse to violate a horny catgirl and if you kill her then just "oops?" and buy yourself another because who cares? I can't, I just can't condone slavery, so hearing that my own family was taken by slavers and having people around me who cared about me, about my wellbeing... scared me. I never had to deal with such feelings before and I ran from it. I spent so long wandering the empire alone that I thought being alone again was what I needed, but it wasn't. I charged straight for Wintergrove and ended up getting caught myself as I wandered the ruins of my home. I was collared, locked in a cell and raped and tortured insessently for days on end. They made me watch a boat leave, a boat that they said had my family on it and I... I was so broken after that. I was distraught, not just for losing everything I had grown up with, but losing everything and everyone I had learned to like and love after coming to Nanthalion.
The only reason I'm able to write this journal now is because those friends of mine, that I insulted and lashed out at, actually managed to track me down somehow, they rescued me. They brought me back here and nursed me to health and now I'm sitting here, safe and sound. But that's not why I'm writing this, I've had worse done to me than those slavers dished out; I haven't told anybody about the time I was almost killed during a Blood Swan Moon 7 years ago, or how the tiny scar on the back of my neck was from a collar that was put on me after I was captured and trapped in some innkeep's basement for a few weeks. I'm used to trauma, but what's really shaken me is the friendships I now have. This is a new feeling for me, and I feel such horrible guilt... not for getting caught, but for making them all worry about me. I'm not a good friend if I do that, but they rescued me anyway. It's like they want me to belong with them, it's a feeling of compassion and companionship I never felt before, and I don't want to lose that. I'll need to talk to them all soon, properly.
Abby so very kindly gave me money after her tournament win, before everything with Wintergrove. She called it a "long term investment". I didn't appreciate how awesome that gesture was until now, especially from a mercenary! Tomorrow I'm going to go to the Might Makes Right store, and pick up the items Allivia suggested, then get her to enchant them, I'll see if I can't take Abby and Airy with me, I'm sure they'd be glad that I got rid of the dress since all they did was complain about it anyway, Callie didn't seem to like it either for that matter. Abby and the others are investing in me but not with money, investing in me as a friend. So I'm going to stop holding onto the past and embrace my life in Nanthalion, and step 1 is getting equipped for it and letting go of my old dress.
I don't ever want to hurt them or let them down again.
-Amethine Tawariell.
Wintergrove Survivor and friend to many.